chapter one

We are on the cusp of yet another holiday weekend as the years fly by, and I've decided to finally write about my dating life. It's been a source of entertainment for many groups at this point so why not share it with the rest of the world? You lucky people, you.

I'm currently watching a cheesy romantic comedy. It's terrible. Terrible acting, terrible lines, even terrible lighting. And, of course, it features some love-struck man who is totally adorable and romantic and says the darndest, cutest things. Maybe this is why we ladies have it so tough. What are we supposed to expect when this is what we're spoon-fed, each and every time?

Or each and every time you make the poor decision to watch a stupid, romantic comedy? I mean, no one twisted your arm and said “rent this Stupid Romantic Comedy or ELSE,” right? And who the fuck wrote this shit? I would suspect these movies are primarily thought of by women. But why would you do that to your own kind? Maybe it's some delusional, self-depricating female. Someone who's primary mantra is “Misery loves company.” I just want to know who the fuck comes up with these picture-perfect plots that always end just the way you'd hoped: tied up like a shiny, exciting present. And why? Why would this crazed writer portray a story like this? To keep our hopes alive? Maybe it's some sort of preventative solution to teen suicide. I don't know. All I know is, right now, I'm cursing the writer of this adorable plot and I'm only slightly embarrassed that I”m laughing out loud with a shit-eating grin on my face.

Back on track. What are we supposed to expect when this is what we're spoon-fed (with regards to relationships), each and every time? Instead we end up settling. We tell ourselves 'oh, I'm sure that was a mistake. A once in a lifetime mistake. He probably doesn't drink excessively...often. He didn't MEAN to pee on me in the middle of the night...' or 'it's okay, I like my alone time - ALL of the time' and 'oh no, honey; you stay home and surf while I go to my family reunion alone. It won't be weird when all of the relatives repeatedly ask where you are and how many years has it been since we started dating...' And, drum roll please - 'It's okay, I'll go to the funeral alone while you stay here and get smashingly drunk and pass out by 9 a.m. because it's Saint Patrick's Day - mind you, you're not even Irish...'

I suppose I ought to start off with a little about my of my relationship background. I was always obsessed with boys. I had boyfriends in preschool and elementary school. Only, back then you didn't call them that. Our innocent vocabularies were not yet tainted with such terminology. It was the beginning of forming relationships even if it only involved sharing marbles, playing He-Man on the playground, or chasing each other at recess. I always had a love interest. I think I was born with the hormones of a 17-year-old boy. At one point, I had a gaggle of guys who followed me around the playground. Those were the days. I peaked in 2nd grade.

Then hormones developed and bodies changed and the opposite sex became an intriguing mystery. I convinced myself that I was in love in 7th grade. Sure, we only held hands twice but THAT was it. That was the good stuff. I was planning the rest of my life with that guy. I don't think we really even talked much, if at all.

I was always the one who wanted more. I wanted to hold hands all the time and eagerly awaited my first kiss. I'd fantasize that it'd happen somewhere in the hallways of school. Somehow, it'd be just he and I and it'd be oh-so romantic. Well, he and I lasted through the summer - I'm not sure how, we didn't talk at all that I can remember. So the majority of that relationship was in my head. In my mind, we were happy and we were going to have a wonderful life together. I don't recall how we broke-up.

But the take-home point from this pathetic, fuzzy first relationship (aside from my gaggle in grade school) is this: how much of my relationships are just in my head? I know, I know. I sound like Sarah Jessica Parker from Sex In The City. But really; how much of it is reality and how much of it is just me, moving forward, assuming that the other person is on-board/on the same page? The easy answer is, of course, communication. The paralyzing fear comes when you attempt to communicate and ask where that other person is at. Say it's been two years and you're ready to move in with the guy. Two days prior, you had the most amazing anniversary dinner. You think, "Surely he's ready to take it to the next level!" You take that step and you decide to wrangle the beast we call “communication.” The phone conversation abruptly ends when he states that he not only doesn't want to live with you but he's not the marrying type.

End scene.

Two years down the drain, wasted on someone who was playing a game the whole time. Maybe some guys just like to have someone to parade around during parties and in public. Someone to show off, someone to make them feel important. I'm no psychologist. I'm just hypothesizing.

People change their minds and it's usually for the best. But still. It's understandable that some people may have a paralyzing fear when they think about said beast, aka: "communication."

And why have I always been so eager to enter into a relationship? I was already planning a life with the 7th grade boyfriend. Happily ever after in suburbia with 2 or 3 kids, driving a minivan or SUV to church and sporting events and PTA and cub scouts... Was this because that's how I was raised? Was this my mother's generation, spilling over into mine, seeping into my young, not-fully-formed brain and taking over like some rapidly spreading cancer?

There are no monogamous animals. None. It's NOT NATURAL. Even the species researchers once thought were monogamous have proven not to be so. It's smart, it's biological - it's natural. You're supposed to 'shop around' or see what's out there because there could be something bigger and better. The male bird who builds a more elaborate nest gets the female. That's when human female ditches Bob, who's been her life-long partner for 15 years, for younger, more toned Jared. It's even been discovered that the sperm of different males battle one another inside of the female (in other animals anyhow; I don't think they've studied this in people). It's all for the sake of fitness and survival.

My point is simply that monogamy isn't something that's natural. It's difficult. I'm all for it, I just want to point out that it ain't easy. We have more choices, more jobs, more places to live, ... how can you sit around and hang out with the same person with all those options out there? What if you develop an obsession for video games and your significant other can't tolerate them? What if your S.O. wants to go back to school - in another state - but your family is in your current state or town? Roles aren't as defined as they used to be. Women have more responsibilities, yet they're still often expected to maintain the role of a 50s housewife: work all day, clean the house, and make dinner. I see it happening and I'm speaking from personal experience.

I also realize that my inability to find a life partner is partially my fault for not speaking up and letting that guy know that he, too, could do the dishes and the grocery shopping from time to time. And let's face it - people are lazy. If you continually spoon-feed someone, they'll continually let you. "No, no - that's okay, let me take care of (insert chore)." And "No I don't need any help, stay here and read your magazine which is clearly more important than (insert chore or activity that you could be doing together)."

Understandably, I'm a little extreme but that's again due to my own experience. I used to attend parties, family reunions, and weddings 'stag,' even though I went to each and every event he wanted to go to. I'm not someone who needs a guy to go to every event with me. But it'd be nice to have people realize you're actually dating someone...5 years into the relationship.

But onward and upward. We learn from every experience. And this is just the beginning of these blogs. I'll report back as time allows. For now, feel free to judge me as I'm slogging back the rest of my wine, home alone in my one-bedroom apartment. But know this: I'm a single, strong, female who will not be settling. I'll find my Mr. Right one of these days. Until then, enjoy my dating saga as it continues to be published, one blog at a time.